Husbands and fathers face tough decisions. Should they work a high-paying job that takes them away from their families or settle for less money to be present more often? Should they pursue fascinating interests in their free time or give their frazzled wives a break? This balancing act has many grey areas.
Maintaining the balance between being a lovingly present husband and father and financially supporting the family well is harder than it seems. Life is full of maintenance, chores, costs, illnesses, and frustrations, robbing you of your time, money, and energy. But your family needs you.
Let's talk about your role as a husband and father. Is it as important as a wife and mother's role? What are ways to maintain a decent balance? Will you have much left over for yourself?
In This Article
Are Dads Important to Their Children's Early Development?
YES! Moms do an excellent job of nurturing and caring for their children, but dads are also vital to child development. Fathers who are involved in their babies' and toddlers' daily care tend to have more confident kids with great social skills later (source).
Playing with your kids also promotes higher IQs, better and earlier language skills, healthy risk-taking, and emotional regulation (source).
Babies and toddlers who don't have a present or positive father early on tend to struggle with aggression and emotional regulation in preschool and elementary school (source).
However, getting into the swing of things as a new dad can be challenging. I remember that transition well! If you have questions, as I did, read The Ultimate Baby Guide for New Dads.
Are Husbands Important for Wives with Kids at Home?
Moms have a ton on their plates: juggling work, running the home, personal health and development, and nurturing each child's heart, mind, and body. Whether your wife voices it or not, she feels that society expects her to handle all of these responsibilities with a smile on her face.
However, our wives are only human — amazingly brilliant, strong, and faithful humans — but human nonetheless. It is totally unfair to expect her to fulfill all these responsibilities well day in and day out.
So, though your wife can likely handle all the things for a time, she shouldn't have to. Instead of being another weight and responsibility, husbands should man up and pitch in for the cooking, cleaning, and "kidding."
Yes, we may work our tails off at one or two hard jobs to support our wives and families financially, but our wives (especially stay-at-home moms) don't get to just stop for the evening. They are constantly on the clock, especially with babies.
Now, I'm not saying you are only as important to your wife as the work you do around the house. I'm saying that by doing that work (no need to be asked for help) and helping your wife before you rest (gaming, hunting, hanging with the guys, or whatever your "switch-the-brain-off-and-rest" hobby is), you'll make her feel supported and loved.
Why is that? Because it means you listen to her and see the load she carries. It means you listen to her even when she hasn't voiced the to-do list on her mind because you are already handling that list to free up her mind.
Believe me, your effort in her daily grind brings rest to your wife and shows your love for her in a way flowers and dinner cannot.
10 Tips for Balancing Being a Husband and a Father
We've established that you are essential to your family's health and happiness, but we haven't yet talked much about how to promote it.
Lucky for you, I've got you covered with some nifty hard-earned wisdom. Here are 10 tips for balancing being a husband and a father:
1. Prioritize Communication
I cannot stress enough how vital communication skills are to maintaining relationships with your wife and kids. By "communication," I mean "active listening"—you know, the skill men are known for.
Prioritize active listening by putting your phone down and making eye contact with your wife while she tells you about her day. When your kids want to tell you something, get down to their eye level.
Have you ever heard that 90% of communication is nonverbal? Well, that is an oversimplification. Your words convey information, but your body language and tone of voice shape how they are interpreted (source).
So, if you are proud of your ability to listen and respond to your kids while playing a game, typing out an email for work, or scanning something on your phone, think again. Try putting your phone down and making patient eye contact with your wife or kid every time they talk to you for a week.
Let your body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice bolster your words. Ask follow-up questions to show that you are listening and interested in their personal experiences, opinions, and desires. I bet you will see a positive difference!
2. Set Boundaries
Boundaries are essential to healthy relationships, especially between parents and kids. By setting firm boundaries for behavior, expectations, and household rules (and enforcing them with logical consequences), you establish clear guidelines that reduce uncertainty and fears about the unknown.
Kids need a rule structure that gradually broadens and allows more freedom as they earn it at various age-appropriate levels. For example, toddlers and babies should not go out the front door to load into the car by themselves—it's too dangerous!
However, as your child grows and demonstrates the ability to let you know where he is going, to be alert for danger, to stay out of the road, and to buckle himself into the car, you can trust him to go load up while you grab your keys. Only a few short years later, you'll have to trust that kid to drive himself around safely!
Time Boundaries
Boundaries for yourself are also critical for balancing being a father and husband. You need to protect time with your family and wife from time-suckers and the one-million things trying to get your attention. Maybe that looks like never bringing work home and being there in time for dinner every day without fail.
Maybe that means Saturdays are reserved only for family days, and every other Thursday night is date night with your wife. Time boundaries could also mean showing up to all of one kid's Tuesday ball games and practices and playing a video game on Monday nights with the other kid.
Picking a hobby or interest to invest your time in with each family member is a solid way to pour into and support them while demonstrating your love for them. Yes, that schedule will fill up, but these are times you won't have the chance to enjoy later in life. Now is the time!
Time for Yourself
Setting a boundary to give yourself time to enjoy something is a healthy practice, too. Honestly, though, this time is hard to come by when you are dedicated to loving your wife and kids with your time and effort.
So, sit down with your wife and carve out a morning, afternoon, or evening every so often to do something for yourself and for her to do something for herself. This could be playing games with the guys every Saturday night or sitting in a deer stand on weekend mornings and evenings during deer season.
It could be an annual fishing trip or sports event with your friends, with game nights around the house throughout the season. Whatever you choose, let it be something actually restful. If one of your kids is interested, consider taking her along! That time together is so fleeting.
Learn more about taking care of yourself so you can be a better parent in How Much Does Taking Care of Myself Help My Baby?
3. Be Present and Involved
Being present and involved is a lot of work, but it is worth it! Help with homework, take a kid to run errands, go to ball practices and dance recitals — make time for the things your family is invested in.
Being a good role model for your kids is impossible if you are hardly ever around. Taking one or more of them along with you as you do normal things (like errands, home maintenance, oil changes, etc.) provides opportunities for your kid to observe how they should act when they one day have to do these same things.
What you do teaches far more than what you say, so provide opportunities for your children to be with you as you go about life. You'll knock out two birds with one stone by doing this because it gives your wife a small break, too!
Is your kid still a baby? Learn ways to be present and involved in Bonding with Your Baby: Why Dads are Just as Important as Moms.
4. Maintain a Strong Marriage
Kids significantly benefit from a strong, loving marriage between their parents. Specifically, they tend to experience greater emotional stability, academic outcomes, and behavioral regulation within relationships (source).
Besides, when you and your wife genuinely love, appreciate, and enjoy one another, your home life and parenting habits reflect that—less stress for everyone!
So, how does one maintain a strong marriage while working, parenting, and living in a country with a divorce rate of 40-50% (source)? The simplified answer is to actively listen to, engage with, participate in activities with, and love one's wife and kids.
Set aside time specifically for you and your wife each day, even if it's just 15 minutes. Do something together and steal a few minutes to talk with her (a coffee chat, a walk, a comfy chair, chill in bed, etc.). Then, carve out a couple of hours each week for a date (at home or actually going out).
Beyond that, go for a weekend away now and then, or an anniversary trip, to enjoy one another's company and splurge a little without the kids around. If you're really brave, sign up for a marriage retreat to actively work on your marriage. It's worth it!
If your marriage is struggling right now, there is no shame in seeking help from a marriage counselor. Don't just assume everything will work out. Like any skill or relationship, you must actively maintain and build it.
Get ideas for growing in your marriage while parenting in 10 Ways to Keep Your Relationship Strong While Parenting.
5. Embrace Flexibility and Adaptability
Life happens, and it sometimes shifts your priorities, goals, and plans. Instead of punching the wall or sulking for days, embrace the change with flexibility and adaptability. Model what you want your kids to do when things change suddenly for them, or plans fall through.
Ask for help when you need it (or even when you think you don't). Don't discredit any help your kids offer; they may want to help you, however they can, to feel like they have some control over the uncertainty. Let them help in an age-appropriate way, but avoid dumping your burden on them.
Celebrate small wins together as a family. If you didn't get the job you wanted but completed a certification to do something else, celebrate that!
Did you blow out a tire on the way to the airport? Hey, get some milkshakes while you wait for the next flight because you made it to the airport after all, and milkshakes are an awesome way to eat your feelings while making the kids happy—no judgment!
This is how you model resilience, and it is one step toward helping your child build resilience, too. Read more in Encouraging Resilience: 7 Effective Ways to Build Resilience From the Start.
6. Get an Older Man to Mentor You
Find an older man you respect and ask him to meet for coffee or lunch once every week or two. Being a father and a husband is tough, thrilling, scary, and maddening all at once. How can we do this and do it well? Ask a man who has done it successfully before you.
Yes, times have changed, but the wealth of wisdom an older man can share will guide you in the grey areas and keep you focused on the principles of fatherhood and marriage that stand the test of time.
7. Surround Yourself with Solid Men
Nothing will suck the life out of you faster than a bitter complainer. If you happen to be one of those folks--stop it. Complaining doesn't help anyone, and enough of it just pulls us all down with you.
So, if you hang out with some guys who regularly make poor decisions for their families, spend time and money they don't have to escape responsibility, or constantly complain about their families, you can assume they are somewhat toxic to your mind, so you should reduce the time you spend with them.
Replace such people with men you admire who prioritize their families with their time and money, have healthy marriages, and constantly brag about their kids (in a healthy and loving way). These are the men you want in the trenches with you when times get hard!
You’ll know these guys by how they talk to and about their kids. Do they seek to build their kids up or make a fool of them? Learn more about the impact of a parent’s words on a child’s identity in Be Careful, Mommy, Daddy, What You Say: Building Your Child's Identity.
8. Be Careful About What You and Your Family Watch
Here is an unpopular opinion that I pushed back against for years: You become what you watch. No, I don't mean you will become Clark Kent if you watch Superman; I am pointing out that you are training your mind with the content you consume.
Dopamine is a powerful hormone and neurotransmitter that sends chemical messages to our brain and body. It fuels our motivation by rewarding us with pleasurable feelings, which our brains remember well. The more pleasure we get from something (by potency or frequency), the stronger the connection becomes, forming habits (source).
Typically, dopamine is a fantastic thing--life, sex, food, and hobbies would be bland without it! But most media targets a dopamine response in us, for better or for worse. Pornography, video games, movies, social media, online shopping, marketing, and so much more attempt to release a dopamine response so we will come back for more.
Dopamine and Developing Brains
I'll let you consider the implications of the behavioral habits you form around each media type in your family. However, I must point out that dopamine has a much greater impact on young, developing brains, such as those of your children.
Social media alone triggers a dopamine response in teenagers that is akin to the brain's chemical response to addictive substances, such as drugs or alcohol (source). Your child's brain continues to develop and mature until around age 25, so what it is "fed" matters for a long time (source).
That said, your brain is also constantly shaped by your viewing habits. The brain is constantly making new connections and pruning old ones, so the quality of those connections matters.
The more you reinforce habits and behavior that harm your family relationships (fueling anger, pleasure sources, patience, etc.), the harder it will be to correct them—but certainly not impossible (source).
Learn about how screen time impacts your toddler's mind in Toddlers and TV: How Much Screen Time Is Okay?
9. Be a Leader by Serving
Servant leadership involves prioritizing your family's well-being and success over your own. Doing so will create a family culture of trust, helping one another, and respect because each family member feels loved, safe, and heard.
Sounds too good to be true, right? Yep, I thought so, too. However, while my kids were throwing tantrums, running amok, and pushing boundaries, they were also studying my reactions in word and deed.
As my kids grow, I see more and more fruit from my years of serving, listening, keeping my cool, and holding my tongue from angry words. Mostly, it's in how they jump in to help when they see something they can do to serve the family (setting the table, pitching in on cooking, cleaning their room, etc.).
I also see them being the first to apologize or help others on playdates. I see them sitting down with the toddlers to read a book to them or filling their little cousin's water bottle before they ask.
My kids are still young, but as they become able to do things, it brings joy to see them choosing to help others simply because they have seen it before—because that is one way to love others.
10. Learn Contentment
I will get very blunt here: it took me years to learn to be content with family life. I initially wanted to trade my time wiping butts and dealing with fussy babies for an exciting career that would take me places.
I wanted other adults' respect, words of affirmation, and compensation instead of toddlers asking me to read a book for the 100th time because I "do it more funny than Mommy."
However, the closer I got to what I wanted in a career, the further away my family seemed to be and the more conflicted I felt inside. I was stoked about work opportunities, but they took me away from home, and the kids were growing like weeds. I was missing out.
Perspective Shift
I only have a few short years of my kids being together with me under the same roof. Even fewer of those years have the raw, unfiltered humor of little kids trying to process how the world works.
I could chase after a career and retire in my 50s or 60s, but my kids will be grown and gone by then. What would be the point of retiring to a quiet house? Instead, I've learned to be content with less for now and enjoy family life while I have it.
I still work long hours farming and running a business, but they are mostly hours I can do with a kid. They can take turns going with me, learning about life, and making things more difficult during the workday. But that is totally fine because my little buddies are quickly becoming not-so-little.
It isn't a traditional job route, and it certainly has its share of hard days. But it's worth being content with what I have now so I can spend these formative years with my kids.
In a Nutshell
When you reach the end of your life, what will you see? Will you be proud of how you spend your time, effort, and energy now? Most fathers and husbands want to strike some balance between work, parenting, romance, and the honey-do list, but it is nearly impossible to do!
Think ahead—really far ahead—and consider what kind of life you want to reflect on one day. What kind of childhood and relationship with you do you want your kids to draw parenting wisdom from? Go for whatever that life looks like. With thoughtfulness, most things are possible, especially when we cut out time-suckers like doomscrolling.
